My house is a mess

First of all Karen, anyone with your life circumstances should be proud (in a good way) to be back in class! Way to go! And then I want to say that I'm so so sorry for all the flub-ups that happened. Embarassment comes with life. You totally have a right to vent, get it out, cry, be a little blue. It's hard!! Know that you're not a failure!! You are a teacher and teachers deal with awkward students all the time! Am I wrong? did you have students that got embarassed, were inadequate, failed? You are a kind person that would know more than many how to treat that situation if it happened to a student of yours. I'm glad that people in your class were kind.

I am not in school now, but for the past year and a half I was and it was harder than I thought. I was in a very different scenario from you, but I know that feeling of wanting to be liked, included etc. Of course at a large university there are things I'm glad I do not have to go through. My professor was a homosexual and definately set the tone for the class. My classmates celebrated the lude, the shocking, the darkness regularly. I didn't smoke and about 2/3 of the class did so I didn't get in on the conversation. By the end of the 2nd semester though people recognized that I was different and it became a good point. I would have loved to go to gallery hops with them, openings, trips to Europe etc. but that time is over for me now.

I think the joy of Covenant is that classes do bond so well because they are closer in proximity and in heart. Jesus brings people together, and in my secular class people had cigarettes to bring them together. Embrace the relationships you will make. Gulp real hard and try again. I admire you for everything you tried to do. You are brave brave brave! I hope this incident doesn't keep you from trying power point again. I've never used it, you're a trooper!

I'm sorry it went so tough! I hate it when things like that happen. And I don't think the desire to be "in" ever really goes away. It's ok to feel hurt when they don't sit with you...remember your own college days...would you have sat with a stranger who obviously wasn't part of the oncampus student-life thing anymore? Maybe they feel insecure and uncomfortable, like they don't have anything to talk about that would interest you.

Keep on plugging away. Maybe you could invite them all to your home for homecooked stuff or do something that would make your 'minority status' a cool thing, a benefit.

First some background:
Neither of my parents have a college education. My dad, in particular, seemed to always regret it, and we were brought up with very high views of education. It was, in my mind, the foremost achievement I could hope for, particularly in regard to attaining my Dad's approval. So when I was preparing to graduate from High School I applied to Covenant where *all* of my *cool* friends were going, only to be informed by my dad that there was no way we could afford anything other than Chatt State. I was devastated. But I recovered, and was able to appreciate more and more God's plan for me in placing me where I needed to be rather than where I wanted to be. But it was always a bit of a tender spot for me, feeling like I had to settle for a "lesser" education on the totem pole of status, and I'll never forget the day that I teased my sis (who was attending Covenant because Mom got a job there covering her tuition) about her GPA being slightly lower than mine. My Dad was quick to point out (in an effort to encourage her, I'm sure) that since Covenant and UTC (where I was then) were not comparable educations, it really wasn't fair to compare GPAs. He was confident that she was working harder for her lower GPA at Covenant than I was at UTC. Ouch.
So now the story:
A few weeks ago, we had a visitor at church who is currently working on his PhD at seminary. After Berean group he was talking to Dan, who made reference to the fact that I led a ladies Bible study and so on and so forth, a fact which I am forever feeling ill-qualified for in a denomination which is so richly educated and full of seminary grads, both men and women. The gentleman turned to me and said, "Ah, yes. And what prepared you for that role? What is your educational background?" I stared at him a moment, a bit taken aback at even being asked the question I so dreaded. "I have an English degree from UTC," I stammered. With an obvious sarcasm, he replied, "Oh, I'm sure that really gave you a good theological education. But that's alright. God can use whatever we have to work with."
I began to try to stammer out a defense of all the ways that God has indeed used my "inadequate education" to prepare me to function as His vessel, but ultimately was confronted by the realization that I was catering to my own pride. The moment I had dreamed of all my life was the moment someone would ask me what my educational background was, and I would be able to respond with something akin to "Well, apart from my PhD in Theological studies, I have dual Masters degrees in Hebrew and Greek. . ."
But God uses the foolish things to humble the wise. He uses weak, broken vessels to proclaim His Gospel in spite of our inability to do so apart from His grace. And He is kind enough to teach us humility, so that we might understand His wisdom and learn reliance on His power, not our own. But it is not always a fun process. I'm proud of you for being able to recognize His goodness in your pain. That's what true theology is about. Standing firm on the knowledge of His character in times when it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Good girl. :)

You guys really are wonderful. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. I am reminded of the fact that my identity is in Christ--not a trite little detail, but a comforting reality. Thanks for the reminder.

sweet karen,
i'm so sorry about all those mishaps. it is painful to see anyone embarrassed especially a friend. i can only imagine how intimidating it could be to go back to a place that seems a bit removed from your life. i admire your hardwork and dedication, you always put your all into things. and i admire your reflections and what you took away from the experience. love you.

I always try to tell students who have mishaps like this that the audience is probably "with" them... that we all have inept moments. I'm not sure they always believe me. Still, I believe most times this is true.
I know as well how composed and fluent you are in most public speaking situations. I remember 1995-96 when you won 1st place in oral interpretation at 5 tournaments in one season. In 20 + years of coaching you were the only student to do that.
But previous successes do not make one bullet proof. Over the last three years I have had to learn that lesson again and again. When you are an adult going back to school you realize that everyone is smart, that you sometimes have to work twice as hard as other people just because you have a family, and that most of the other students cannot sympathize with your situation... are not even curious about it, because they have simply lived very different lives.
Bleak moments are important. We must learn from them. Breathe them in, explore them and then exhale. You are doing that in this blog, and that is a healthy choice ... a testimony to your spiritual awareness... an indication that you trust your friends and family.. and that you have faith tomorrow,s narrative can be brighter.
It can and it will.
One last thought, as someone who has now taught quite a few adults on the colege level I can tell you that you are probably one of the teacher's favorites, that the other students are a bit intimidated, and that, more than likely, you are working harder than anyone else. As someone who is taking classes, I can also tell you that although returning to school has its tough moments these fade quickly and what you retain is the joy of learning.
Give the kids a hug for us.
Dad

Thanks for sharing all that, Karen. I hurt for you. Oh, the desire to prove our worth is always raging inside us!

To add to Willa's story, it was always a painful irony to me that God chose to give me Willa's desired education when I was the one who despised establishment and wanted the bohemian lifestyle. I am so grateful for it, though. Praise the Lord he gives us what we need & not what we want.