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January 29, 2006
Romans 12: 1-2
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12: 1-2
This week I have really fought off depression. Matt has been looking for a new teaching job (the big decision I talked about earlier), so he's been working hard every night to put together resumes and various applications while I try to do everything around the house that I couldn't do during the day. On top of that, we're still potty training, I haven't been sleeping very much, the kids are sick, and Clara is starting to be colicky. Over the last week and a half she's started to be pretty fussy at night. Sometimes she starts fussing at 7 and cries to 9, but the other day she cried practically all day.
So, what does this have to do with the Bible verse above? Well, on Thursday night, the stress got so bad that I shut down and started to get angry and depressed. I was mad at everybody, Clara, Matt, the kids, myself, and God. I felt like a robot, not like a human being. That's why I was so thankful that Dan, my pastor, sent out the church bulletin ahead of time for me to read. On it was the meditation for this Sunday, which is Romans 12. It helped me to remember why and how I do what I do. The world wants us to believe that my life is for me and that anything that hurts me or stresses me out should be removed from my life. God reminded me through His word that my life is an offering to Him, a living sacrifice. By it's very nature, my life isn't for me, it's for God. When I pour myself out for my family, I'm only able to do that, because God poured Himself out for me, into me. When I understand that, then I understand my purpose and I can see His will for me. He wants me to be a good wife and a good mother and when I offer myself as a "living sacrifice" to Him, he helps me to do what I could never do without Him. I'm so thankful for this, because deep inside I know that I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother without God (I tried doing things my way this week and it was scary). Yet again, I've found the depths of my sinful heart. It's comforting to know that there's hope and my life isn't purposeless. I may not be on the physical mission field, but my work at home (changing diapers, nursing my baby, potty training, washing/folding/putting away laundry, washing dishes, disciplining my children, serving my husband) is a "spiritual act of worship". I don't feel unimportant and forgotten about anymore. The result, I hope, will be a more joyful heart, with God's help.
I will end with a quote from Veggie Tales that Dana is really fond of repeating lately. "God made you special and he loves you very much." It's simple but it's the truth.
Posted by Karen at 08:56 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
January 28, 2006
belated birthay blog
Poor Janie. She's the middle child. Instead of posting anything about her birthay, which was last week, I was expounding on my woes and Dana's cuteness.
Yes, Jane is two. It's hard to believe, except for the fact that she's suddenly growing like a weed and she talks our ears off. She's also turned into my kitchen buddy. When I make dinner or bake cookies, she sits on the counter and helps me cook. I love it. Dana used to do the same thing, but he's too busy playing with his Thomas trains now. I'm glad Jane isn't too big to want to be with me yet. This is my favorite age, even with the discipline issues. She's just big enough to talk to me, but she's not big enough to know that there are more exciting things to do than playing with Mommy. I used to think the newborn phase was best, but that was before Clara started screaming (more on that another time).
On Jane's birthday, my parents came to visit her. We ate cake and ice cream and she opened her presents. Mom and Dad got her an outfit and a really cool bed for her baby doll. We got her a play baking set with everything she needs to make pretend bundt cakes, muffins, and cookies. Dana got her a die-cast James train, which they fight over regularly (who woulda thought). Anyway, that's the scoop. This is kind of choppy, but it will have to do. I'm too tired to spend more time on this. ;)
Please don't laugh at the cake. I screwed up the one I made and my Dad went to BiLo to buy another one. It's a little on the creative side, but Jane didn't care.
Posted by Karen at 12:39 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
January 25, 2006
gotcha
This morning after breakfast, Dana went with me to get Clara, who had just woken up. He was very excited to see her and said, "Oh Clara, I love your shiny hair!" This may not seem very funny, except that he's been using the word "shiny" all the time since he saw Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer over Christmas break. He also frequently compliments her on her "shiny nose".
A few minutes later, as Clara is just latching on to nurse, Dana says, "Ooo she gotcha!" I laughed so hard. It's amazing how your day can be so lousy and one simple sentence from a three year old can change your perspective on everything.
This isn't the best picture, but it captures Dana in one of his goofy moods, so I love it.
Posted by Karen at 02:33 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 23, 2006
goals for 2006
With our new baby coming so close to Christmas, I've forgotten to take a little time to think about this new year and what I would like to do with it. Even though I know I will fail at this optimistic little list, I hope the process of writing it down will help me to have a long term vision instead of being so absorbed in my day-to-day routine. Here goes...
1. I'm going to try to establish some form of regular exercise, even if it's just a walk once or twice a week. Something, however small, has to be better than nothing.
2. I will try to buy more generic stuff and less of the pretty name-brand stuff, which is a huge weakness of mine.
3. I'm going to make my bed and keep the dishes done each day, which should help the house to look cleaner even if I don't have time to deep clean.
4. I'm going to try to make myself look nice in the morning before I get the kids dressed. The result may be a sunnier disposition for all: the kids get to stay in jammies longer and I get to feel like a normal person sooner.
5. I am going to write and deliver all thank you notes. If I were Superman this would be my kryptonite. I'm afraid I have offended quite a few people by forgetting these much needed cards. I know. I hate even thinking about it, but it's the truth.
6. I'm going to pray for my kids and my husband daily.
7. I'm going to work to verbally affirm my husband, kids, family, and friends as much as I can without being hokey.
8. I'm going to learn how to make a cool blog, so my blog doesn't look so plain and uninteresting.
9. I'm going to play with the kids more.
10. I'm going to work on my garden every day, weather permitting.
Posted by Karen at 08:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 22, 2006
eyes for big brother
For awhile I have been trying to get a picture of Clara's smile. I finally did it and the best part about it is that she was smiling at her adoring big brother.
It's amazing. Before Clara came I was really worried that the kids would be jealous of her, but they haven't been jealous much. Dana and Jane fight more now than they did before, but I've been surprised to see how much they enjoy being with Clara and taking care of her. Dana gets a kick out of "watching" her for me and they both love to put her passy in and sweet-talk her. I'm sure the novelty will wear off as she gets older and starts taking their toys, but right now they're digging the cute snuggly phase.
Just for the record, I have to brag on the quality milk she's getting from mama moo cow. Last Thursday she had her one month check up and she weighed in at 11 pounds 9 ounces. Wow. She actually went off the chart for weight and she was just below the top line for length. I'm sure it doesn't mean much for her later development, and of course I'm just kidding about the milk, but holy cow! (sorry, I couldn't resist the pun)
Posted by Karen at 04:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 19, 2006
happy heart
Since Dana (3 1/2) was tiny, I've been trying to teach him about the importance of having a happy heart even when he doesn't like something. Oftentimes, he says that he doesn't feel happy and that's when I tell him to pray to God and ask God to give Dana a happy heart.
Anyway, this morning I think that I could use a little bit of my own advice. I have legitimately had some of my hardest days as a mama. I'll spare you any more details. The point is that I've been a pitiful whiner about it and I really need some perspective. When I vent to other adults, people say, "Oh, honey it just gets worse. You don't have teenagers yet." Or they say, "Hang in there. It'll get better." I've said both of these things to other people.
I think the real point of all of this (meaning this life, being a mom, being a wife, etc.) is about what you do when things get ugly. Does it really matter if my circumstances are going to get better or worse? The state of my heart, happy or despairing, should really be independent of all of this crud.
So now I'm going to try to take my own advice and ask God to fill me up with real joy, the happy heart I preach about to Dana so often. It's amazing what hypocrites parents like me can be. Someday I'm sure Dana will be happy to tell me all about it and I wish I could say that I would be able to humbly agree with him.
Posted by Karen at 09:45 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
January 17, 2006
potty training madness
So... today I have had to do something that only a crazy woman would do on purpose. I'm potty training my two year old, while nursing my one month old, and trying to keep my three year old out of trouble. Many times today, I found myself nursing while simultaneously lifting Janie onto the potty and pleading with Dana to quit drinking endless cups of water at the bathroom sink. I guess you could call it a potty party, because all four of us spent the bulk of the day in the bathroom. I wish I had timed this better, but Janie is determined to potty train, whether I'm ready or not. My emotions are mixed and at war with each other. I feel proud that she's learning so well and so quickly, impatient for her to finish training, sad that she's not a baby anymore, worn thin from the excitement and encouragement I'm trying to send her way, and hopeful for the day when Matt and I can buy tickets to travel to some foreign country and forget about all responsibilities for a little while.
Thankfully, I started the day excited to potty train and I was full of energy. Of course that energy petered out to nothing by the end, but I'm thankful for being charged up this morning. I wish I had a picture to document the day, but I'm afraid we were too busy to take one and I'm a little worried that some weird pedophile would find it and do something disgusting with it anyway. So sorry, no potty shots this time.
On another note, I was asked this weekend if I would go back to work when my youngest was in school, and I guess I haven't given it a lot of thought. Teaching still seems too traumatic after my Howard experience. One thought was to work in a school library doing what I love: working with books and kids (I really do love my kids and kids in general, despite my venting). It would also mean I wouldn't have to grade papers or deal with discipline problems, at least not major ones. The thought of going back to school also sounds appealing. I would love to get an MA in Victorian literature or the Inklings or something along those lines. I'm probably a long way from anything like that, but I figure that if I just keep reading as many good books as I can get my hands on, then I should feel less like I'm dumbing down and more like a thinking adult. Any suggestions?
Posted by Karen at 07:39 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
January 06, 2006
Recent pics
Do you think she's well fed? Look at that chin!
Clara's eyes open for a brief moment
Back to sleep
Daddy helped the kids make a mammoth train track.
Yawn. Well, we're still tired and our family life is still a little crazy. Matt found out yesterday that his grandfather, on his dad's side, is probably not going to make it through the week. We're debating whether he should fly to Minneapolis or not. Matt talked to his dad and he's discouraging Matt from coming up there, I think because there isn't much to see. His grandpa is unconscious and unable to communicate anymore, but if nothing else, maybe Matt could be there to comfort his dad and grandmother. I don't know. We haven't had to deal with this before. If anyone has any advice we would be glad to hear it. Matt doesn't want to upset his dad by ignoring his advice, but he also doesn't want to miss a one-time opportunity to say goodbye. I don't know. On the flip side, we're exhausted and we have a new baby. The idea of Matt leaving for a few days isn't exactly exciting. We would covet your prayers.
Posted by Karen at 03:29 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
January 04, 2006
counting my blessings
The last two days have been a messy mix of ups and downs. Matt went back to school yesterday, which meant it was my first day home with three children. I was hoping to start the day off rested, but it didn't happen. Clara was restless the night before, so I was a little bit short on sleep. Thankfully, the kids woke up at 7:15. Even though I was already up nursing Clara at 6:45, I didn't have to manage all of them at once. There weren't a whole lot of discipline problems either. I think having Daddy back at work was calming, mainly because Daddy is a whole lot more fun than Mommy ever is. The excitement level definitely took a dive, but that's really okay with me.
The hard part is that Matt is super stressed out, for a number of reasons. I know that God will see us through the stress, but it's been hard to know how to comfort him. He's seriously overcommitted and burnt out and in the midst of that, he's trying to make a few difficult decisions. Yesterday, in order to help him destress, I packed up the kids and went down to the school to kidnap him for a fun night. We went down to the park by the Aquarium and then had dinner at Big River, his favorite place. Matt's dad had given him some money for Christmas, so it was a guilt free outing. The bummer was that after we loaded up the kids and got in the car, Matt accidentally left the stroller and diaper bag behind on the sidewalk on Broad Street. He was so preoccupied with his woes and mellowed out by his favorite hand pulled beverage, that he forgot to load them up. We didn't notice it until we unloaded the kids at home. I went back to see if they were there and they weren't, so I had to turn around and report to my very depressed husband that we had lost them (the diaper bag had all of my financial stuff in it: checkbook, credit cards, SS cards for me and kids, driver's license, etc.). We called the police and just as Matt hung up, a woman called and said that her husband had found them and left them at the Aquarium's security office. What a relief. I am so thankful that there are people who would inconvenience themselves that way for total strangers and even more thankful that God spared us the ordeal of replacing everything that could have been stolen.
Is there such a thing as emotional whiplash? If so, I think I have it. We've been jerked around so much lately that I'm pretty certain that God is teaching me some pretty big lessons: 1) I'm not in control of raising my kids--God is, 2) the idea that a month/year/week from now things will be better is a lie, because life is just stressful period, and 3) even though having a new baby has added a lot of craziness to our nutty little family, God has used Clara Joy's presence in our house to bring us joy, not Hallmark moments, but joy in spite of our circumstances.
Posted by Karen at 02:50 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 02, 2006
baby Clara
Tomorrow, Clara will be three weeks old. The kids are finally over the initial shock of bringing her home. They love to sit and hold her. Janie's favorite line is, "She smiled at me!", even though Clara usually isn't smiling at Janie. We'll let her figure that out later.
Clara has just started to have a fussy period between her afternoon nap and bedtime. We're very thankful though, that she seems to be a good sleeper. I think I'll have to cut out the dairy for a bit, but over all she's healthy and happy. She's a snuggler, and I love it. I'll take all the snuggling I can get.
Recent good books: The Professor by Charlotte Bronte and The Heart of the Matter by Graham Greene
I'm hoping to read The Foundling next, but any suggestions?
Posted by Karen at 02:53 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack